May 10, 2020 Manila, Philippines


🎶 I’m in pieces, it’s tearing me up, but I know a heart that’s broke is a heart that’s been loved. 🎶

Ed Sheeran’s Supermarket Flowers on repeat and I’m sobbing my heart out.

It’s my mom’s 14th year in heaven and hearing this song didn't just make me remember things. It made me realize how I still miss her SO much. I have so many questions that I know I will never find answers to... maybe because it’s often easier to throw questions out in the air rather than face the answers right in front of us.

How much of yourself is taken away from you when she died?
I’m pretty certain I am never going to be the same person as I was when she’s still alive. Is that good or bad? I don’t care. I’m curious how much of my whole being did she take with her and how much is left with me now. Did she take a part of me that she loved the most? If yes, does that already make her happy up there?

How have you been living life with that gaping hole in your chest?
It’s never gonna heal so you just get used to it. Or do you, really? Do you just get the hang of not ever talking to the person who witnessed your great successes and worst failures but loved you all the same? How come there's still that terrible feeling when something great happens, and I realize I can no longer call my mom to tell her about it?

Have you already accepted that you’re going to spend the rest of your life without her?
The absence still hits me. It stuns so much like it only happened a month ago. And I don't think I can ever run away from that stabbing pain in my heart. I find myself tearing up when I hear a particular song, wear that gold necklace she gave me, smell her scent, or just remember a random thought that I can connect to her existence. She appears in my dreams so vividly and I’m dying to know what it’s about. How do you define acceptance of death? Does it mean completely not feeling anything anymore? If so, I think I'm still far from halfway.

🎶 And I know that when God took you back he said Hallelujah you’re home. 🎶

I find comfort in knowing she’s healed and she's at her happiest up there. Many years have gone by and grief remains. I’ll probably live with it forever. The huge pile of regrets about the things I have and haven’t done will not be buried. I have these as constant reminders of how much I love her and proof that I will never forget her.

Someday, I'll see her again. I have to keep living and dreaming.
I may be grieving, but I can also celebrate for the both of us. I have the rest of my life to become a better person, better than the daughter that she's already proud of.  Everything for her and with her.

I miss you, mommy. Happy mother's day and anniversary in heaven 👼

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